NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

We live in a world where a person is largely defined by his/her race. Certain non-positive things that has happened today and in the past has been due to the answer of this very simple non-destructive question... "What race do you belong to?".

Growing up as a mixed/bi-racial girl, i wasn't quite sure if I was lucky or unlucky to be of  European and African descent. It wasn't until I grew older and started feeling really lucky because despite all the negativity from family members and random people everywhere I visited, I realized my awesomeness doesn't depend on what race or races I belong to or my genetic makeup as people like to think.

One would think it is easy growing up mixed but asides the awkward stares over the years, i have had to answer to a billion and one questions from people, friends, teachers, lecturers wondering what i am. Questions that made me feel weird because of their replies to my answers. For instance, when someone asks me "where are you from?" I automatically tell them where my dad is from - i identify as being Nigerian. The next thing they say is No, you can't be Black, you are too pale to be Black. Are both your parents black? You don't look like us (this has to be the most annoying/painful remark for it made me feel unwanted quite a lot of times), there's something else about you. That's how most of my conversations go. Other times, i answer them with my mum's country, i get various other negative kinds of reactions ( you cant be from Russia, you are black). Okay society, what do you want me to say really?  Suddenly, i stopped wanting to answer anyone. It's like i didn't belong here or there. Many times i have felt embarrassed just for being mixed but of course they didn't think it was coming off that way and up till date i sometimes don't know how to react to these remarks. 

I had a hard time coming to terms with my racial identity. Was i black? Was i white? What am i? Did i belong to that race or this race? I knew what my parents racial identities were but my racial identity as a kid and through my teenage years was a drag. Always explaining or wondering what to identify as is still a tough decision when people make you feel like you have to choose just one. The one-drop rule. You can't be black and white people have told me severally. Deciding what race to be on when you look nothing like either but a mix is tough. I was born and brought up in a predominantly white society and i have also lived most of my youth in an all black country. If there's one thing i learned, it is that the majority of the white society don't see you as one of them neither does the Black community. They both believe you to be foreign, different and honestly, it isn't a complement. 

I just wanted to be a person. A human being of the human race that'll be accepted just the way i am with no lingering questions and negativity but unfortunately that isn't the world we live in. Consciously or unconsciously, race depicts so many aspects and bits of our lives. Now that i'm older and learning that my racial identity is a part of who i am, i will not choose where to belong. I can be black and i can be white and exist as me. I will not let any imaginary boundary others push onto people like me make me have to choose what race to identify as and love, what cultures to adore, what things to get interested in as regards to race. I am who i am, I am Bi-racial and this does not mean i am anti-black or pro-white, it is just me accepting myself for what i am regardless of what the society wants me to identify as and accepting yourself is one of the greatest form of love :)